15th August 2018

It’s OK to not be OK

Coffee & Cake with Tassimo

My oven broke last night. It’s really Shit. I was not OK about this. It’s a bakers worst nightmare.

I’m guessing most of you will be thinking “and, so what?” But to the few of you who do what I do, and bake cakes for a living too, this is a pretty fucking big deal.

Oh yeah. Disclaimer. I may swear a tad in the post. I’m venting. I may not even publish it, but let’s see what happens. I’m just gonna bash these words out and hope it gives some clarity to my current mood and highly irrational self.

Just picture this. I’ve had a really long day and I’m already tired, a bit grumpy. Hangry too.

That never helps.

I have three orders (one being a wedding cake) booked in this week, which all usually would run delightfully smooth, and turn out exactly how I kinda want them to go. My boxes are made up, my decorations are ready. I’m in control. Life is good. We’d even booked a holiday and it’s fair to say I’d been very excited all day. Nothing can possibly even ruin how I was feeling.

I’d also bagged myself a bargain summer dress from town earlier in the day too. It’s very pretty and very comfy and fits over my ever-expanding eaten too much cake thighs v.nicely too 😉

Then, all of a sudden you go to whack the first cake in oven, it mixed up perfectly, I even lined my tins in the exact professional way we should, and as I opened the door ready to set up them on their merry little baking journey, I realised something wasn’t right. My oven wasn’t hot. Just a tad warm. Blowing around air like it was laughing at me and thinking “ha, whatcha gonna do now huh?”

Here’s what I did. I shouted, screamed, even cried! Shouted at my boyfriend, fell out with him, had a total meltdown.

In the back of my mind I knew I was over-reacting, I knew I needed to calm down and at thirty-fucking-six years old you’d have thought I’d have learnt how to handle my emotions by now. But I haven’t.

A couple of weeks ago, maybe a month ago, actually at any part of 2018 so far I’d have probably dealt with this completely differently. I’d have calmed down quickly, I’d have a plan of action and I would have sorted it calmly and fast. (Which I have now by the way.) I’m currently sitting here waiting for an engineer to arrive… who by the way had to listen to a very distraught voicemail from me, read a Facebook message and two texts before he probably thought “who the fuck is this lunatic, I best help her out“. Thanks oven-man. I’ll find out his real name later too.

I’m holding out he’s going to work his magic and get me back on track pretty fucking soon. I’m trying to stay optimistic.

There’s no way I’ll ever cancel an order by the way. I ended up baking the cake I’d already mixed up at my friend Lucy’s house. She lives really close to me so she preheated her well-behaved non-broken oven and I was round within 15 minutes getting that one sorted.

I went home and began to clean up my mess and it dawned on me that I do not react well to things that don’t stick within my plan. I don’t like feeling out of control. A lot of the time I feel like I’m doing pretty darn good and I can smash my way through work, through parenting, through teaching, through a gazillion wedding orders, and still be fine. I feel like some weeks I’ve totally ‘got it‘.  I feel successful, which is obviously nice.

I’ve had a lot on my plate lately. A few stresses I wouldn’t usually. On top of that somebody complained about my teaching skills (which is a first in the four years I’ve been doing it) and whilst I totally was OK with this it did upset me and I probably shouldn’t have just swept it under the carpet. I’ve helped other people out (gladly) and felt like I really offered good advice and support too. So where’s mine? Why couldn’t I control myself and think rationally this time? What did I do to deserve this kind of disaster? (Told you I was being dramatic).

And then I realised something else. It’s OK to lose the plot. (within reason of course). It doesn’t matter how small a thing it is that sets you off, it’s always the small things that will.

It doesn’t matter if you can feel you’re being totally mental and it’s also OK to cry. Don’t wake up feeling guilty like I did. We’re all human and we are not machines… even if our lives make us feel like we are sometimes.

I habitually always skip to the fixing part of any bad situation and always forget that it’s totally fine to wallow too. Does anyone else do this? Even with people close to me, if something is wrong I immediately jump to the ‘how can we fix this right now’ kind of attitude.

You’ve just gotta let it all out! Thing’s aren’t meant to be perfect, we are not perfect. We all have flaws and faults. We will be tested and we will figure it all out. Eventually.

So girls and boys, ladies and gentleman. Here’s a reminder that we ALL get down. we ALL feel like SHIT every now and again. Social media is all la-di-dah happy and only ever shows our good non-broken oven times… We all at some point feel like we just want to avoid every other single human being that exists and wallow in our own sadness – and there is nothing wrong with that! Do it. Take some time to reflect.

Then pick yourself back up again. And remind yourself every hour or so that it’ll always be alright, because it always is in the end right? (Please say yes!) 😉

That is all. I go on holiday soon, and I’ve got lots of new recipe posts to publish too. Normal service will resume shortly.

If you’ve got this far without leaving then thank you but I have one last request – please pray to the cake-gods that my oven is  fixed this afternoon. I’d be super grateful. I’ll pay you in cake… if you live near me. If you don’t, then I’ll pay you in kind thoughts. Ha-ha!

4 responses to “It’s OK to not be OK”

  1. Julie says:

    I am not a professional cook or baker, but I could have made a sailor blush when my fridge broke down a few weeks ago. There wasn’t a lot in there but money was tight and I planned a weeks worth of meals around what was. When the maintenance man called my landlord, the landlord told him to open an empty apartment so I wouldn’t loose everything in the freezer so it wasn’t a total loss and I was able to eat and eat pretty well on what I had in the freezer but I was soooooooo angry about it. So I totally get it. My fridge is better now hope your oven is too.

    • hellocuppies says:

      Hi Julie, firstly i’m so glad your fridge was fixed and I’m so glad you have a nice landlord too. I’ll update my post later as thankfully my oven was fixed! it took Kevin (i learnt his name) around 10 minutes to change the element! It was that fast he didn’t even get to finish his cup of tea! ha-ha! I have now caught up on the baking side and will just have to have two very late nights to get me up to speed, but all is fine and that’s the main thing 🙂 So pleased I’m not the only one to shout at electrical appliances either… 😉

  2. Linda says:

    Hi Natalie Better to let it all out than fester on it I say. And I’ve attended two of your classes and your teaching skills were fine as far as I’m concerned – even if my main learning point on one session was that I can’t paint, whether on cakes or anywhere else! Hope your oven got sorted and it all worked out well (enough) in the end.

    • hellocuppies says:

      Exactly, and thanks Linda. You’ll be pleased to hear my oven was fixed! Phew! Put me a little behind but I’ve just finished all of this weekends wedding cakes now (1am Friday night) so is good x

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