Warning! Tween alert!

WARNING – TWEEN ALERT

“Whatever.” And he stormed upstairs stomping like a mini-elephant all the way…

I just stood there a little bit shocked staring up the stairs to see if he would come out of his bedroom, or that the whole situation would just re-wind and undo itself. How did my sweet, funny, affectionate boy turn into this cheeky hormonal monster that was throwing attitude at me! As tempting as it was to join in with the battle knowing I’d win, I reminded myself that I was the adult so I bit my tongue, swallowed my pride and left him to it! I’d had a long day and realised that if I’d followed him upstairs then that would probably determine how the rest of our evening went.

Coby, my son, my pride and joy has always been a pretty easy-going child.  He’s sensitive, sweet and really good fun! Not shy, but he’s polite, and I’ve come to realise he is also fiercely loyal.  So when this back-chat and bad attitude really kicked in I was admittedly frustrated.  He even had me in tears one evening on holiday last year! I just felt like there was no getting through to him that it wasn’t acceptable to be like he was being to anyone, never mind me – his Mum – his source of everything! To me it is totally disrespectful to be like that with a parent.

tween

What nobody tells you or warns you is that there’s a HUGE change in your child from the moment they finish primary school to literally the first day of senior school – honestly! I don’t think I realised just how big a change it would be.  I’d never even heard of the term ‘tween’ until then and I’ve since realised that parenting a tween (or preteen) is a tad challenging! You’ve got hormones kicking in, pressures from their peer groups, social media dramas and an increasing need for independence – all scary for us – but even newer and scarier for them! Throw in homework, discipline, and spending time together – everything is different!

One thing I’ve always focused on with Coby is that I want to be close to him, want him to talk to me and overall for him to feel secure.  I think all children at every stage in their life need to feel they have a secure nest, and with tweens it’s just as big a deal as they are being launched into something really exciting but also pretty scary! Home should continue to be their safe zone.  I feel anxious sometimes that if we ever do lose the connection we have then he’ll go looking elsewhere for it and end up in ‘the wrong crowd’.

The world is blooming scary – we know that! But my son is learning in small ways that not everyone is nice, not everyone cares – and people can be very manipulating! He’s had his items stolen from him at school, a weird stalker on the Musically app (a whole new blog post there) and drama’s with a few friends. So, I’ve come to a realisation that the only way for all of us to get through this tween stage and to be prepared for the actual tough stuff – teen years – is to keep this strong bond with him.  Here’s my plan on how I hope to make it work:

Keep the bond

It’s unrealistic to say we will have tea together every night – but I will try to do it as often as possible.  It’s our time to chat about our days, for him to keep me in the loop but also for me to pick up on any issues that could turn into anything else.  I feel sitting together and spending one-on-one time is extremely valuable.  Just a quick 15-minute chat can reveal so much sometimes.

I’ve planned a long weekend away to Dubrovnik this April – just me and him. But equally as productive a lunch together would do the trick.  During this time, I’ll be careful to listen rather than talk or lecture him but I overall I plan to just have some fun with him.

mum and son

Go with the flow

Coby is really striving to be more independent and I’m thinking that if I go with this and allow certain things then I’m more likely to reduce rebelliousness. If I say no to everything then he’s bound to feel trapped and if anything like he’s missing out. Independence teaches us lots of skills so trips to the local town with his friends is allowed, walking or cycling to the park to play football for an hour – all with their conditions, but still allowed.

I’m happy with this, even if it does make me feel scary, but I just remind myself I’m the one still in control & we still have trust between us. He doesn’t break the rules & I’m trusting him to behave how he should, whilst not breathing down his neck at the same time. He’s really good with it too – mobile phones are a god-send in this situation! I’m sure he’ll test the limits at some point, but let’s deal with that as it happens!

Choose my battles 

It’s really difficult to do but I plan to ignore the things that don’t really matter. I can’t fall out with him over every single little thing – if he’s going to be in my bad books I’ll make sure it’s for a good reason. Which also leads me to:

Don’t take it personally!

When Coby slams his door or shouts something at me I’m not going to over-react or take it personally.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to accept it and make him think that’s ok – no way! But I am going to remind him about respect and that if I give it to him, I expect exactly the same back.

Personality & appearance 

I’ve noticed small changes in Coby’s personality the last few months, and some I love. He cracks more jokes, is sometimes cleverly witty but he’s also become nicely protective and caring of his friends as well as his family. He hates seeing his friends get name-called or bullied & as he’s not afraid to voice his opinions and he’ll stand up for them. I think this is fab! How many times have you looked back at school memories and wished you’d not been afraid to speak up? I’ve obviously explained to him that he needs to recognise when not to get involved but otherwise well done for being strong!

With this in hand I’ve noticed he does care about his appearance a tad more, we still argue over how to brush his teeth properly – weekly! But he’s more attentive to what he’s wearing and I’m really trying to support this. Although yesterday he bought a cap and insisted it’s cool to leave the sticker on the front!! What??! I even asked the young shop assistant who confirmed that yes, the sticker stays on. He’s into his music and I’m trying to stay open minded about that too and I let him play it on the car when he asks. I listen about his interests (currently YouTube) and make time to try and understand it all – I don’t!

I’m sure there’s lots more I’ll need to consider but for now this will do. Unless you have any tips and have been through and survived please do let me know! 

Tweens

Follow:
Share:

11 Comments

  1. 25th February 2017 / 3:27 pm

    Some great tips here but choosing your battles is the best one. I learned this a few years ago. You simply cannot take on every fight – it’s too exhausting and achieves nothing. Compromise is also a key strategy!

    • hellocuppies
      25th February 2017 / 3:35 pm

      Thanks Sharon. Just been having a nosy on your blog and it’s fab! Love the teen related posts.

  2. 7th March 2017 / 11:42 am

    Oh what a wonderful read. You’re so right about the not taking it personally. It’s so hard though. We’ve had a couple of instances with my 13 year old son where he’s been so out of character and then later he’s come back into the room smiling and saying well I’ve no idea what that was all about! Long may that last. However, the girls are not at all like this. Thank goodness I’ve got a son to balance those hormones! Great to read a post with a boy a similar age to mine xx #TweensTeensBeyond

    • hellocuppies
      7th March 2017 / 12:04 pm

      It is hard isn’t it! I love how they just change all of a sudden too, totally takes me by surprise! And yes, I experience the girl side of this too with my step-daughter…. she has a thing about slamming doors… and re-slamming just in case we didn’t hear the first time 😉 It’s all fun!!! ha-ha. Natalie xx

  3. 8th March 2017 / 6:36 am

    It sounds like you’re surviving very well and he’s a lovely boy! Sad to hear there have been a few dramas at school 🙁 It sounds like Coby is in between my younger two – I have a year 8 and a year 6. My younger son settled into secondary school really well and we’ve had no problems at all. He’s just become a little bit more stubborn and tends to leave his homework until the last minute, but he always does it! Now we’ve got to go through it all again with my daughter!
    Enjoy your weekend away – that sounds lovely! #TweenTeenBeyond

    • hellocuppies
      8th March 2017 / 8:36 pm

      Thanks Sarah! We have exactly the same homework issues too! Always does it but will rush & leave until the last minute x

  4. 8th March 2017 / 4:08 pm

    Natalie, I could have written this almost word for word! I really enjoyed reading this. I think you have it nailed with all your strategies. As you say the move to secondary school is a big step change and with it comes lots of ups and downs as they learn to find their way and strike out on the road to independence. My son is 18 and my daughter 13 and like you I am a firm believer in maintaining a strong bond and talking. We can’t be their friends but we can ensure they know we are there for them no matter what and that everything can be discussed. This has held me in good stead with my eldest. He is open with me which means I trust him and we have a good understanding. He is getting ready to leave and head off to University now and I hope I can repeat the same process successfully with my daughter. Thanks so much for linking up and hope to see you again. #TweensTeensBeyond

    • hellocuppies
      8th March 2017 / 8:37 pm

      Hi Jo, thank you! Wow – university! That’s mad to think of that fair ahead, but you must feel so proud. I love that Coby and me are really open too, I’m praying it stays like that xx

  5. 8th March 2017 / 9:46 pm

    Just trying to remember all of what I said in my previous comment! Hopefully this comes through. I can relate to this and it really does seem to come from nowhere when we least expect it with this age group doesn’t it. Same for them too. Such a mix of emotions that come over them all of a sudden. We realised that we needed to change too. Choosing your battles is key isn’t it – we’d never stop arguing here if we let it carry on. Taking a step back and seeing it for what it is has helped me hugely as has the realisation that my daughter doesn’t actually know why she is crying and shouting either. I have also found that a new dialogue has opened up and there is more talk and conversation about ‘stuff’ when the going is good. Your trip sounds amazing, what a lovely thing to do together. Thanks so much for supporting us in the first week of #TweensTeensBeyond

    • hellocuppies
      9th March 2017 / 3:30 pm

      Yay! It worked, thank you for commenting…twice! It’s so lovely to meet/speak to all these new bloggers! Totally agree too, choosing your battles is my biggest revelation! Thank you, we’re really excited for our break – roll on Easter holidays! xx

  6. 10th March 2017 / 12:36 pm

    Popping back again my lovely for the #TweenTeenLinky. Thanks so much for joining us. Love the bit about cracking jokes – tweens and teens are so funny and are great company when we can get them to spend time with us. And don’t get me started on music in the car – our dashboard is jumping with the volume! Hope to see you again next week. 🙂

Go on... let me know what you think below...